Becoming

when I try to sleep it takes so long
and I’ve been losing hair and finding them around
you would think that change would make me strong
guess I’m proving that the wisdom isn’t sound

I had hoped my stomach would leave me alone
but it’s taunting me still, months on
haven’t learned to deny the nerves that give rise
to all these feelings of dread

I will break or I will grow
but in this state I don’t know
how long I can force myself to go

there were days when I could rest my mind
got along with life and hoped it carried on
there were evenings when I felt just fine
didn’t feel the need to slow my breathing down

now I’m contemplating yoga or some coloured pill
never grasped at either one of them before
it’s a struggle each night to put brooding aside
every worst case locked in my head

I will break or I will grow
but in this state I don’t know, day to day
do I abandon this or dig in to stay
trembling heart, guts opposed, it’s a mystery
how long I can force myself to go

I will break or I will grow
but in this state I don’t know
let me break or let me grow
one good day is almost cruel in a way
giving hope that anxiety will fade
trembling heart, guts opposed, it’s a mystery
how long I can force myself to go